THE WALKING DEAD Debriefing: Bob Le Flambé

twd

Previously on The Walking Dead: Carol saved everyone from hipster cannibals. Full stop.

Well, that premiere was quite a ride, wasn’t it? Ready for a segue episode?

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

This one begins with Our People walking through the forest, guns at the ready, in slow-motion. Usually I’d question the use of slo-mo in, well, just about anything, but these guys just took down an entire compound of hipster cannibals, so I’m thinking it’s justified in this case. Their slo-mo walk is thankfully spliced with a few bits of exposition as the group makes camp: Tyreese and Carol agreeing now to talk about what happed with Lizzie and Mika—Tyreese is still traumatized and Carol is understandably reticent to mention that she killed a little girl (albeit a psychotic one). However, Tyreese does want Carol to mention that she, you know, killed a few innocent-but-plague-ridden people at the prison. Carol doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea.

Rick takes Tara, the New Girl with a Secret, aside and tells her outright that he knows she was unaware of how evil the Governor actually was (despite the fact that he wore an eye patch—come on, Tara, eye patches are never a good sign), and that she didn’t know that he would kill Hershel. That was why Rick plead to her specifically during the showdown at the prison, asking the Governor’s gang to let Hershel and Michonne go and just leave Our People alone. Tara still looks a bit like the new student who just got caught hanging out with the bad kids, so Rick brings up the fact that she saved Glenn, which is a testament to how innately awesome she is because Glenn is a gift from God. “He saved me,” Tara says with a shrug, and damn it, Tara, can’t you see Rick is trying to give you a pass for abetting in the murder of one of his people? He’s handing amnesties out like the Soviet Union in the late eighties in this episode, for god’s sake! Rick counters her modesty with, “Well, that’s what we do here,” motioning to their happy little group, who is probably about to start singing camp songs or some such thing. I feel like all of these one-on-ones should end in great big hugs, but then again, I’d probably be the first to die in the zombie apocalypse for that reason alone, so it’s probably better that they keep it all inside. In any case, Rick invites Tara to stay (in not so many words), and since Tara doesn’t take off in the middle of the night or murder them all in their sleep, then I guess she agrees to stay. There’s also the fact that they have the Savior of the Human Race (albeit a shady, be-mulleted one) in their party. I’m going to guess that’s a big draw for Tara.

(I like Tara. She’s a good fighter—or at least has promise—and could possibly be an interesting addition to the team. Admittedly, they haven’t given her much to do besides be a lesbian and save Glenn, but then again, it’s been rather hectic since she was introduced. In any case, she’s still obviously nervous around the others, especially Maggie, whose father she kind of helped kill, so that should be interesting.)

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

As Our People come across any straggling walkers, they take them out casually and efficiently—you know, treat them to a nice dinner, maybe go on a few rides at Coney Island, win them Kewpie Dolls. No, just kidding; they kill them. Michonne enthusiastically volunteers to kill one, and reaches behind her for her samurai sword before realizing she doesn’t have it anymore. This is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. The woman needs her sword, damn it! Can we start a Kickstarter campaign to buy her another one? “Aw, man,” she mutters before bashing the walker’s brain in with the butt of her rifle, like a common walker-killer. It just isn’t the same. Afterward, Abraham whispers to Rosita that that is why he, Rosita and Eugene have to make their move as soon as possible. Yeah, you don’t want Michonne’s bad-assery to rub off on you, Abraham.

All the while, Bob and Sasha play a game of “Good Out of the Bad”, otherwise known as “Can Bob Be Even More Optimistic Than He Already Is?”, in which Sasha reminds Bob of every aspect of the shitty circumstances they’re in (for example, “We’re constantly on the run,”) and Bob gives her something good about it (“Never a dull moment,” he counters). Bob always wins, because he’s an eternal optimist, and he’s also in love, so his happiness is unstoppable. Bob and Sasha hold hands and kiss as they troop through the woods, which kind of undermines the group’s attempt to look bad-ass, but it’s still adorable, so I’ll give them a pass. Maggie and Glenn try to be a cute couple too, but don’t quite measure up to Bob and Sasha. (I’ll tell you right off the bat that I’m not a huge fan of Maggie. I know that goes against my earlier statement about liking the group we have now, but no one’s reading this shit anyway, so oh well. I like that she makes Glenn happy, because Glenn deserves to be happy, damn it, but she isn’t incredibly interesting on her own.)

That night, at the camp, Rick thanks Carol again for saving everyone at Terminus, and apologizes for banishing her at the prison. Carol sort of deflects his apology, saying that he banished her because he knew she could survive, and she did. In spades, actually, because she protected Rick’s daughter and saved the entire group, so good for her, she gets a gold star. Rick asks her if the group can join her on her travels, which is actually an awesome way to get her to stay with them. Rick is still in charge, obviously, but Carol gets to official be the Leader, with her own navigational compass and captain’s hat, I guess.

Daryl can’t stop gazing happily at Carol, obviously in wonderment of the fact that she pretty much managed to take down of hipster cannibals and numbers of walkers with a rifle and one firework. Carol tells Daryl that she doesn’t want to talk about what happened while she was banished from the group. Telling Daryl not to talk is like telling the Pope not to sin, but whatever—Daryl just wants to grin like an idiot at you, Carol, so no worries. Their conversation is interrupted when they feel the presence of someone—or something—lurking in the woods, watching them. Not walkers, obviously, because who’s scared of walkers nowadays? Daryl goes off to look but only sees a shadowy figure in the distance. Good night, everyone!

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

The next day, they continue to walk in the general direction of Not Terminus when, in the distance, they hear a man screaming. Understandably cautious after getting fucked over the last billion times they’ve interacted with people, Rick seems hesitant to help whoever’s in trouble. Carl pleads with him to at least take a look (I’m glad that Shane’s Douchebag Philosophy has worn off of Carl’s impressionable young mind, although I bet Rick is wishing that he’d given him one less “Please are supposed to help people” speeches right about now.) Our People quickly but cautiously make their way through the woods to a clearing where a priest is scrambling on top of a boulder as a handful of walkers claw at his shoes. And no, I did not just make that up. This is our actual introduction to Gabriel, the Useless Priest. For a brief, shining moment, I thought that Gabriel was bring played by Keegan Michael Key, of “Key & Peele”, and holy shit, that would have been spectacular. In any case, Our People quickly kill the walkers and help Gabriel down from the boulder (say what you want about Gabriel’s uselessness—I know I will—but I am very impressed that he could climb up that boulder in the first place). It should be noted that Gabriel is more or less clean shaven and immaculately clothes, which is pretty suspicious.

Before Rick can give Gabriel the old “How many walkers have you killed? How many people have you killed?” induction interview, Gabriel vomits all over himself. Which is really an answer to Rick’s questions in itself, but whatever, Rick likes formality, I guess. Our People watch Gabriel sputter and sob as though he were a particularly disgusting alien newly arrived on earth—which he may well be, because come on, dude, where have you been this past year? Gabriel tells Rick that he’s never killed a walker nor has he ever killed a human being. This sort of pisses Rick off, and he asks him what he’s done to survive. “We’ve all done something,” Rick growls. Gabriel tells him that any sins he’s committed are between him and his god. Then he asks if they have any food he can eat. You…are not really selling yourself very well here, Gabriel. Carl gives him a handful of walnuts, and glory be, Gabriel does not puke them up, so he’s got that going for him. Rick is obviously trying really hard to figure out some use for this clown, and really, there doesn’t seem to be anything to speak of—other than praying and screaming for help, he can’t (or won’t) do much. He’s never used a weapon, he has no apparent knowledge of medicine, and he’s not small or adorable enough for Tyreese to carry along with them like Baby Judith. Luke up the phrase “useless human” in the Oxford English Dictionary and you’ll find Gabriel’s mustachioed face, along with his scientific Latin name, “Vomitus Mortuus Pondus”. In a desperate attempt to connect with Rick, Gabriel notes that Judith is a beautiful child, despite the fact that I’m fairly sure he can only see the back of her head as she’s being held in Rick’s arms. (At least he didn’t ask Tyreese if she was his, like Martin did last episode.) Rick asks Gabriel how he survives, and Gabriel simply answers that he prays to the Lord and the Lord protects him. “Sure didn’t look like it,” Daryl mutters as he glances up at the boulder. Gabriel, in his defense, points out that he prayed for help and Our People came, so he kind of has one up on you, Daryl. Gabriel tells Rick that he’s been riding out the zombie apocalypse in his church, and Rick invites himself and the gang to hang out there for a spell and eat the squirrels that Daryl had previously hunted. (Squirrels are numerous in the zombie apocalypse and comprise much of the diet for Our People. Why did the squirrels survive when most other animals did not? We’ll never know.)

twd 5x02 9As Gabriel leads them towards the church, Rick asks how they can be sure that they aren’t walking into a trap (an understandable concern, considering that was literally what happened to them at Terminus). Gabriel jokes that maybe they are, and that this is a calculated effort on his part to kill them all and steal their squirrels. Needless to say, Our People are not amused, and look half a step away from shooting him. Gabriel meekly remarks that his former parishioners always said that his sense of humor left something to be desired. Well, it certainly isn’t helping you out now, buddy. Gabriel explains to them as they walk to the little Episcopal church that he holed up there for the first few months of the outbreak, eating the canned goods they’d recently collected for a church drive, and only venturing outside when he needed supplies. The church is right smack dab in the middle of nowhere—while admittedly very picturesque, who actually travels this far to get to church? It seems to have access to a road, but still. On the other hand, I grew up in a magical land where schools and closed-down movie theaters were rented out every Sunday by church groups that had more in common with cults than actual denominations. Maybe it’s a Georgia thing. I don’t know.

Rick, Michonne, Glenn, and Carol do a walk-through of the church to make sure everything is on the up-and-up. After finding no walkers or murderous thugs (and staring at now creepy and ironic religious icons and children’s drawings), they give the others the all clear to come inside. Abraham has hob-knobbed with Gabriel and learns that there’s a short bus out back that can be easily repaired and that Gabriel doesn’t want. (Of course he doesn’t. It’s too useful. He wouldn’t know what to do with it.) Abraham wants to get going to D.C. as soon as possible, while Rick wants to catch his breath for one fucking second before throwing himself into another dangerous situation. Seriously, Abraham, calm the fuck down. Guillaume isn’t going anywhere. Gabriel tells Rick that he’s taken food supplies from all the buildings nearly—except for one that been overrun by tons of walkers (or…six. But that’s a lot for Gabriel.) Rick decides that they’ll stock up there, spend the night at the church, and then go off on their merry way the next morning. Gabriel’s all like, “Lol, well, have guns—I’ll leave the light on for ya’,” but Rick’s all like, “Oh no, you’re coming with us, Jesus Boy.” And then Gabriel vomits again, probably.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

Michonne, Sasha, and Bob volunteer to go with Rick and Gabriel to the church’s food pantry to clear out the walkers and get supplies while Maggie, Glenn, and Tara go into town and look around for supplies in other buildings. Carol and Daryl will get water from the nearby creek (why Daryl doesn’t go with the rest of the A Squad to kill the walkers is beyond me—maybe he’s not through making up for lost time with his best bud, Carol.) while everyone else will hang out at the church. Tyreese, by the way, seems super happy to act as a many to Judith, and Rick has a nice, quick exchange with him, thanking him for all he’s done for her. Tyreese is an awesome baby-sitter, man. I’m totally jealous. All I had at Judith’s age was a broken Teddy Ruxpin. And Tyreese has killed way more people than it ever did. Before they go, Rick sits Carl down and gives him the old “You’re never safe, not even when you’re with the people you trust, so never let your guard down” speech. Which is actually the same thing that my parents told me whenever they tucked me in at night. Carl agrees to take care of himself and Judith, but adds that he still thinks that Gabriel isn’t a bad guy. He adds that they—every one of Our People—are strong, and sometimes being strong means trusting people. Rick is like, “That’s cute. Sleep with a gun underneath your pillow, son,” and leaves.

In town, Tara and Maggie wait outside a gun store while Glenn searches inside for supplies. They make small talk about how there’s little chance that anything is still left after the whole town’s been ransacked, but it’s pretty obvious that an uncomfortable-looking Tara is trying to figure out a way to tell Maggie that she was in the Governor’s gang when they killed Hershel (my suggestion—casual humor: “Who here played a part in the beheading of Maggie’s dad, raise your hand!”) She doesn’t have time to spill her guts because there’s what sounds like a scuffle inside the store, and Glenn comes running out, alarmed. “What was it? A walker?” Maggie asks. “Uh, yeah, a walker,” Glenn stutters, before confessing that it was a stack of boxes and a mop that he mistook for a walker, and that he’s a dumbass. That’ll have to pass for humor here in the zombie apocalypse, I guess. He was able to find several silencers hidden in a fridge, which is great save for the fact that apparently you can fashion silencers out of flash lights, according to this show. But still, it’s something, I guess.

While getting water, Carol and Daryl (Caryl? Darol?) happen upon a car on the side of the road. Carol checks the ignition and finds that the engine won’t turn over, but Daryl finds there’s a working generator in the trunk. Daryl is still trying to get Carol to open up about all the shit she’s seen, but Carol’s still mum on the subject. He tells her that they can all start over again, and aw, poor Daryl. He just wants his friend back. Carol says that they should leave the car there, just in case things to south at the church, which is a reasonable idea. Daryl asks her if she wants to take one of his plastic milk jugs filled with water, despite the fact that Carol’s hands are full with her own bottles of water. He tosses a jug to her and it falls to the ground. It’s a weird scene. Half-hearted attempt at humor in a dreary, post-apocalyptic world? Norman Reedus ad-libbing? I have no idea. This episode is all over the place, without every really going anywhere.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

Gabriel explains that all of the canned goods from the charity drive would have gone to the food bank in town, but, as he previously stated, it’s filled with walkers. Our People enter the church to find it empty save for a lot of donated clothes on racks (and if they were smart they’d take some of those clothes, since winter is—theoretically—coming). There’s a huge hole in the floor, however, leading to the basement (and all the canned good), which has been flooded by a year’s worth of rain water and walkers. May I say that the show outdid itself with the grossness of these walkers? As they’ve been swimming around in three feet of water for at least half a year, they’ve swelled up and rotted the way dead people are wont to do when soaking in water for a good amount of time. Facial skin has sagged down to their chests, they’ve turned blue and, as Bob puts it, “If a sewer could puke, this is what it would smell like.” And Rick wants to go dive in with them, because Rick’s soul died long ago.

This doesn’t make much sense to me. There are dozens of better ways to tackle the situation than to wade waist-deep in murky water filled with debris and zombies. They could at least shoot the walkers from above; it’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. Or if they want to save bullets and not make a lot of noise, I’m sure they could fashion spears out of knives and those clothing racks in the store. (And, again, this would’ve been a good time to bring Daryl along, with his crossbows and expert aim. Then again, they didn’t know they’d be swimming with walkers, because Gabriel didn’t think to mention it. Which of course he didn’t, because goddamn it, Gabriel.) In any case, Rick wants to jump into the ol’ watering hole with the walkers, and forces Gabriel to go in with them, because the only thing more useless than a Gabriel in a walker fight is a Gabriel that can only slowly wade away from walkers when he loses his shit.

Which Gabriel does, in record time. When they jump in, Our People block the walkers with a metal bookcase and are able to stab them rather conveniently at arm’s length. But Gabriel catches sight of a particularly memorable-looking walker who is wearing the remnants of a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a cardigan. So what’s the backstory with this walker and Gabriel? Was this a librarian who had threatened Gabriel for overdue books before the zombie apocalypse? A church lady whose advances Gabriel once spurned? Did Gabriel once steal her prize-winning Shetland pony to go on a late-night joy ride through the town? Or is Gabriel just horrified by the walker’s lack of fashion sense? These are the hard-hitting questions, folks.

Whatever it is, Gabriel loses his shit and scrambles away from the protection of Our People and the metal bookcase. Although, in Gabriel’s defense, this Librarian Walker does seem to be gunning for him. Maybe it has the power to single out the weak one of the head.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

Gabriel tries to climb up some steps to safety but said steps crumble underneath him, leaving him cornered and Librarian Walker (Gladys? Can her name be Gladys? She looks like a Gladys.) wading towards him. With a collective “Oh, for fuck’s sake” look on Our People’s faces, they tip over the metal bookcase so that they can pin some of the walkers underneath and try to save Gabriel. They fight walkers all the while, poor Michonne having to use what looks like a fork or a blender tong to kill one (for the love of God, someone please get her a new sword) before Rick is able to kill Gladys and save Gabriel. Gabriel remains huddled against the wall, sobbing and probably vomiting. I kid Gabriel, because it’s so easy, but truth be told, I’d probably be doing the same exact thing in his situation.

As Our People kill the rest of the walkers, Bob wades over to the stack of supplies and laughs as he says, “…” Don’t get too cocky, Bob. The walker still somehow manages to get the jump on him, and Bob is pulled down into the water, to the horror of the others. They sift desperately through the water (and it’s just like when Luke Skywalker is pulled underwater by the dianoga living in the trash compactor in Star Wars: A New Hope! EXACTLY like that.) Much like Luke, Bob soon springs upward with a particularly grisly walker—more of a husk of a walker really; it must’ve been stuck underwater for a while, waiting for a chance to fulfill its walker duties and scare the bejesus out of someone. Bob lifts the walker up and impales it on a metal pole. Sasha wades over to comfort him. Bob laughs it off, but looks worriedly down into the water.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

How they’re able to get out of the basement I have no idea, but soon Rick, Bob, Sasha, Michonne, and Gabriel are back on the road, pulling a treasure trove of supplies with them. Bob is limping, which…isn’t good, but if he was bitten in the leg or foot then the easiest course of action would be to amputate the infected limb like they did with Hershel, so Bob should really mention it to someone (and, as a medic, I imagine he would know that). Up ahead of them, Rick asks Michonne if she misses her samurai sword. “It wasn’t mine anyway,” she says with a shrug. Rick’s surprised that she wasn’t born with that baby in her hand, I guess, and asks her how she got to be so good with it. Practice, Rick, obviously. She says that she’d found it early on in the zombie apocalypse and just learned to use it when she was fighting for survival on her own. So…practice. Rick asks her if she misses. I know I do. Michonne tells him that it was just an object. “I miss Angela. And I miss Hershel. I don’t miss the life I had before. And I don’t miss the sword.” Aw, Michonne. She’s awesome. And it reminds me of how much I enjoy her interactions with Rick. If this were “Saved by the Bell” and all of the characters ended up in romantic pairings, then Michonne and Rick would be totes adorbs.

Back at the church, Abraham is working on the short bus and Carl is just…staring at the outside wall of the church for who knows how long. Life without television sucks, I guess. Rick asks him what the hell he’s looking at so intently, and Carl prefaces his answer with an “I’m not sure this means anything and I still think Gabriel is a good guy but…” before showing him a few scratch marks at the side of one of the windows. Which shouldn’t be worrisome if walkers were clawing at the sides of the church as walkers are wont to do, but these marks are cleaner and fewer than you would expect from walkers. Carl then leads him around the back of the church, where someone has scratched “You’ll burn for this” into the wood. It’s written neatly and deliberately, not as though whoever wrote it was in any particular hurry. Hmmm—curiouser and curiouser.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

That night, everyone’s pigging out on a makeshift banquet, drinking un-consecrated wine and living it up (or living it up as much as one can in the zombie apocalypse). Abraham calls for everyone’s attention, looking like he’s about to go into a pitch on time shares or something (“Money,” he says, “Everybody needs it.”) Rather, he raises a toast to the survivors, and goes on a spiel about how everyone in that room is a survivor, but asks them if they’d rather be survivors, or if they’d rather fix everything that’s happened and save the world. Because if they stay where they are, they’ll live out their short lives merely surviving one crazy battle after another (until they, you know, don’t anymore). Or they could go with him and Rosita and Eugene, then they won’t just be survivors, they’ll be making a difference in D.C. And they should do it for their country, and for the younger generation, like little Baby Judith, there. I feel like Abraham rehearsed this speech for days, maybe writing it down on index cards and practicing it in front of a shard of a mirror. Our People look to Rick for a response—because it’s a Ricktocracy, with Carol navigating the way, I guess. As Rick begins his response, Judith starts snorgeling (it’s a thing babies do. Look it up.), no doubt warning him, “Don’t do it! Guillaume is full of it!” in her baby language. “Well, I think she knows what I’m going to say,” he says. “If she’s in, I’m in. We’re in.” Oh, Rick, how many catastrophic decisions have been made due to the whims of a baby? Napoleon and Hitler’s invasion of the Soviet Union were both initially suggested by babies, I’m fairly sure. Unaware that Rick has now technically ceded control to Judith, everyone cheers at the prospect of journeying to the nation’s capital to save the human race (you fools—if there’s one place where nothing will get done, it’s Washington D.C.)

Now that they’ve decided what to do for the rest of the season, the group talks amongst themselves. Bob and Sasha say cute things to another before Bob asks for one more kiss before he goes outside for some fresh air. Tara sits down next to Maggie and tells her up front that she was with the Governor when he killed her father. She quickly adds that she didn’t know what the Governor was going to do—that he had lied to everyone about Rick and the others, made them out to be horrible, and she didn’t realize that he was going to kill an old man who was basically Santa Claus. Maggie takes a while to process this, understandably, and for a bit it’s unclear if she’s going to get up and storm away or if she’ll deck Tara right in the face. Or none of the above—she tells Tara, “You’re here with us now,” and hugs her, apparently figuring that Tara was sincere and didn’t know what the Governor was up to, and taking into account the fact that Tara did save her boo, let’s let bygones be bygones, shall we? Rick asks Gabriel if it’s okay to drink church wine (Rick, with the amount of people you’ve killed, fermented grape juice is the least of your problems). Gabriel gloomily explains that wine if just wine until it’s blessed and takes a swig—it feels like there’s a double meaning in that, or maybe Gabriel is still moody about nearly being killed by Gladys the Librarian Walker. Rick takes this time to tell him that he knows that Gabriel did something—something bad—but the people around them are Rick’s family (except for Abraham, Rosita, and Eugene—they’re like…distant cousins or something, who are only staying for the weekend, I guess), and if what Gabriel’s done harms them in any way, then Rick will kill him. It’s super intense. Gabriel is like, “Cool, cool,” and they return to their wine-drinking.

Daryl follows Carol back to the abandoned car they’d found earlier. Whatcha doin’ there, Carol? Trying to make a quick getaway after the Kumbaya you just experienced? As she gets the car started, Daryl confronts her, asking her what she’s doing. Carol answers that, well, she doesn’t really know. Looks like you were running out on your new family, Carol. As Daryl tries to coax her back to the church, another car speeds past them. So it’s rush hour, I guess. Daryl recognizes the markings on the back of the car as the same one that took Beth away. And behind it is that same blasted, one-eyed dog the led them into the trap at the funeral home! He was behind it all, the cur! (Seriously though, I hope we see that dog again. That dog was a survivor, damn it. Ugh, just thinking about dogs in the zombie apocalypse makes me sad.) You know, originally, I thought that the tattoos on the Crazy Box Car Guy’s face in the last episode were the same as the one on the car, but now I’m not so sure. The circle around the cross is missing on the car’s symbol. And based on certain Beth-centric previews, it seems like the kidnappers’ outfit is way more advanced and intricate for the marauders, who basically seem to be a glorified biker gang. Welp, I’m intrigued.

Courtesy AMC

Courtesy AMC

Outside the church, Bob walks a few feet away before he starts sobbing, staggering closer to the edge of the woods. My dad and I had a discussion about whether he was crying because he’d been bitten by the underwater walker husk or if the crying episode was merely to show that he’s not as optimistic as he seems, à la Ginger the Hen in Chicken Run. (Remember Chicken Run? Great movie. Absolutely nothing to do with zombies though, so we’ll move along.) We’re both of the opinion that Bob was bitten in the leg or the foot. As he cries, he’s hit in the back of the head and dragged into the woods.

One of the last scenes at the church is of Gabriel in his rectory, looking sadly at a photograph of himself and Gladys before her walker days, chumming it up and looking happy and friendly and not dead. We know it’s Gladys because she’s wearing the exact same clothes as when she was in the flooded basement. Barring the possibility that the photo was taken the same day that the zombie apocalypse started, this means that Gladys wore the same clichéd church-lady get-up every fucking day of her life, so becoming a walker might have been the best thing to happen to her. Maybe she wanted to thank Gabriel down in that basement. Who knows.

When he comes to, Bob is tied to a pole outside of an abandoned building. Still in a haze, he sees figures hunched over their dinner—among them are Gareth, the hipster cannibal leader, and—Martin! Martin? How is Martin still alive? God damn it, Tyreese, you had one job! Gareth brings Bob out of his stupor, saying some shit about how what they’re doing is nothing personal, but you’re either the butcher or the cattle, yada yada yada, oh, and by the bye, we’re totally eating your leg, bro. Bob freaks out as he sees everyone munching down on the meat from his leg, while his foot is still roasting on a makeshift grill over the fire. Gareth tells Bob that it’s nothing personal—“Actually, it’s about ethics in game journalism,” he says. No, actually, he says, “If it makes you feel any better, you taste much better than we thought you would,” just before the screen fades to black. I wish I was making that last line up.

Welp. I’m so fucking over cartoonish villains, you guys. Until he became the boogeyman, popping up every damn where and otherwise being un-killable, I actually didn’t mind the Governor, because he was interesting and played by David Morrissey with a certain amount of understatement. Gabriel, however, is just a scenery-chewing bad guy who spouts lame dialogue and over-explains everything. So, no, I don’t like the villain—but what’s worse, it’s not that I love to hate him; I just hate him, full stop, because he’s destructive and boring. And apparently he and his hipster cannibals just won’t die. So this is going to be a long season. Great. Ugh, fucking hipsters ruin everything.

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